YAPH: Management Techniques

Management Techniques of the
Bottom 95% of U.S. Corporations

    Staffing
  • Hire the best employees you can possibly afford then ignore their input, micro-manage them and second guess their decisions.
  • Recognize employees who develop new or extend existing skills by putting others in charge of related projects.
  • Keep staffing levels critically low.
  • Hire consultants to "relieve" the workload. Temporary employees do not raise head count and rumors of exorbitant hourly rates will engage staff as their new co-workers "come up to speed".
  • Criticism must be public to be effective.
  • Reward successful and overachieving employees with increased workloads. reduce the milieu of other staff accordingly.
  • Reward poor employees, beyond keeping them on the payroll, by offering them the same education and advancement opportunities as your stars.
  • Choose your subordinate managers carefully. Skilled, savvy people with good interpersonal and organizational skills can threaten your position; never promote these employees and they will leave under their own accord.

    Cooperation
  • Lay claim to areas serviced by other divisions and departments.
  • Never give up something no matter how badly you're doing ("If you've got it, hold it!").
  • Build dysfunctional teams by forcing motivated, knowledgeable employees to work closely with underachievers and the inept.
  • Cultivate an adversarial relationship to other departments and divisions.
  • Insist upon skill-sharing and cross-training without allocating time or reducing workloads.
  • Encourage "round-table" discussions then dominate them and dismiss disagreement.
  • Break down social and personal barriers by intruding upon unproductive time such as trips to the restroom, meals, sleep and family visits.

    Project Management
  • Prioritize all tasks and projects equally.
  • Delay action on major and minor projects then make snap decisions.
  • Set arbitrary deadlines and stick to them.
  • Keep "top level" information to yourself and deluge staffers with innumerable details.
  • Publish standard operating procedures that are neither standard nor the procedure.
  • Define "corporate goals" near mid-year.
  • Use your investment portfolio as a handy guide for decision making.
  • Involve subordinates in the decision making process by having them attend a merry-go-round of unrelated meetings.
  • Establish a corporate Project Management Office then ignore it.

    Corporate Culture
  • Maintain an atmosphere of crisis.
  • Recognize best practices by ignoring them, they'll go away.
  • Define "opportunities" in terms of additional work.
  • Require non-critical work to be performed after-hours, on weekends and over holidays.
  • Stratify management and encourage bureaucracy.
  • Create a "culture of meetings".
  • Base critical decisions upon incomplete or inaccurate information.
  • Encourage subcommitees.
  • Embrace the status quo. Decay is preferable to change.
  • Lavish praise on minor accomplishments.
  • Buck the trend by curtailing perks.
  • Silently live by the motto,"No policy is the best policy."
  • Keep the rumor trade busy by not stating objectives.
  • Publish costly, colorful, and content-free internal bulletins.



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I wish to thank the effete, small-minded corporate toadies who brought the existence of this page to the notice of management. I also wish to thank the Legal Department and my Managing Director for having both presence of mind and a sense of humor. I refer everyone to the below links:

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© Copyright 1997-2002, R. Lonstein     last modified: 15:42:28 09-Mar-2002