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Secret decoder ring

2011-03-19 , ,

It’s always fun when marketing and branding turns an otherwise matter-of-fact email into a chance to apply my secret decoder ring. Here’s an example from a software vendor:

Thank you for your request for a product enhancement or modification. Enterprise Technologies for Enterprises is continually working to improve its software and services to best meet the needs of its customers. Your input is vital to that effort, and we appreciate your taking the time to provide it.

TRANSLATION: We can’t ignore you, but we’ll make it as difficult as possible to reach someone who knows anything about the product. Our automated system sent you a reply email so you’ll feel satisfied and go away.

Your enhancement request has been reviewed by our Product Management Team. We believe it is worthy of further consideration for potential inclusion in future roadmap planning for Enterprise Technologies for Enterprises Sapience Server (ETE Smart System Galactic Enlightenment Edition).

TRANSLATION: The software is perfect as it is, which is why you gave us money for it. We have added your suggestion to the pile. Sometimes the pile slips off the desk into the trash bin. If it doesn’t go into the trash, we might or might not think about maybe including it at some indefinite future time in one of our products, not necessarily the one you asked about. Or not.

We will forward it on to the broader user community for review. Please join the Pan-Galactic User Community to help prioritize future requirements by visiting www.example.com/porchlight/moth.

TRANSLATION: We appreciate your money and hope to direct you to our moderated forum where we can keep other customers from seeing your complaints. Please don’t vent your spleen on blogs and independent forums because that might get picked up by search engines and get in the way of other customers giving us their money. Don’t ask about your feature, it’s in the pile, we said we’d get back to you.

We look forward to continuing our successful partnership with you. Your success is very important to us.

TRANSLATION: Thanks for the cash. We appreciate it. It lets us buy smaller companies with good ideas and a customer base. Keep using our software because, just because.

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